Kit Kat Man

There's a $3.00 movie theatre in my part of town. Lucky for me, I can take the twenty-five cent Dash there and back. Today, I went to see "Quinceanera."

On the bus I saw a man unwrapping a Kit Kat bar. He had several plastic shopping bags around him. His long, loose sideburns resembling payot dangled underneath his trucker's cap. I wondered if he might have been a Hasidic Jew in another life. He spoke congenially to a young, quiet Mexican-American man seated nearby. The Kit Kat man's voice was unhurried and friendly, reminding me of John C. Reilly's.

Kit Kat Man (smiling): I went to a Kit Kat ranch once. Dated a girl named April. She told me she was a prostitute. Her lawyer husband left her and she said she couldn't make any money, so she started prostituting. I told her, "You don't need to be a prostitute! Just go to California and get yourself on welfare! You don't need to be selling your body out here." This was in 1971; I was only 22 at the time. I went back a few months later and the people at the ranch saw me coming and started yelling at me. They said, "April's not here anymore because of you! And she was our best girl! It's your fault, you know!"

The Kit Kat Man chuckled at the memory. The young man nodded somewhat uncomfortably.

Kit Kat Man (matter-of-factly and still smiling): I dated a prostitute, I dated a homosexual in Berkeley, and a lesbian in Santa Cruz. They all became normal afterward and thanked me.

The young man stood up to get off at his stop.

Kit Kat Man (looking at the candy bar and shaking his head): Now, I eat these Kit Kat bars! You ever try one of these? They're really good!